PORT ORCHARD – In a shocking development yesterday, three tots were chased by a large carnivore while on a preschool field trip. According to witnesses, the bear lumbered from its long, narrow cave wielding a red coffee cup and roaring loudly.
By all accounts, it was a beautiful day. The three tots, Miss Nomi, Miss Em and Mr. Mo, were attending their weekly class at OmaOpa’s Preschool where the incident occurred. After Opa had introduced letter “B” with a talk on the bbb-Bible, Oma directed the students to construct their own bbb-binoculars out of paper rolls and yarn.
“Our binoculars worked reasonably well,” remarked Miss Nomi. “I could see through them; however, the tape Oma had used to hold the eyepieces together kept sticking to my eyebrows. After several of my complaints went unheeded, I finally demanded they be repaired, or I would refuse to continue with the lesson.”
Binoculars fixed, Miss Nomi says she turned her attention to coloring a bbb-bird and a bbb-banana.
Meanwhile, Miss Em inquired about the bbb-book, Going on a Bear Hunt, which was lying conspicuously on Oma’s desk. “I just love books, you know,” she gushed.
Readers will remember that Going on a Bear Hunt” is a relatively-new children’s classic, having been written just 25 years ago. The plot – a family outing to “catch a big one” – takes place on a beautiful day. Typical of quest tales, the family overcomes several obstacles; yet unlike “Jabberwocky” or “Beowulf’, they do fail to capture the creature.
“Unfortunately, I was injured before the hunt began,” asserted Mr. Mo. To evade capture by his mother, he had just tumbled down three stairs and landed on his face, resulting in a bloody lip. “It wasn’t that I was in that much pain,” explained Mo later. “But I had determined to take advantage of my mommy’s compassion. Had I not allowed her to carry me through the big, dark forest, I surely would have been caught. Frankly, I was appalled that the girls were made to run for their lives. I could have been mauled!”
Providing a map to the bbb-bear cave, Oma allegedly instructed all three tots to get into their bbb-boots and coats. Unbeknownst to all but the savvy adult conspirators, Opa had sneaked out the deck door and was nowhere to be seen.
“Look! Here’s some long, wavy grass!” exclaimed Oma.
“It’s short,” countered Miss Nomi, noticing the lack of swishy-swashy foliage.
Next, witnesses assert, the group proceeded through the deep, cold river and the thick, oozy mud without incident. Before them loomed a dark, scary forest and a swirling, whirling snowstorm.
“We liked the snowstorm the best,” reported Miss Em. “Although tossing white rice in the air lacked the ‘hooo wooo!’ sound of a real snowstorm, we were still enjoying our adventure.”
After the faked snowstorm, however, the tots recall how their beautiful day bear hunt took a dark turn. “I kept asking if it was a real bear,” Miss Nomi revealed. “But, as usual, Oma ignored my concerns.”
“I knew all along it was Opa,” countered Miss Em. “I saw him crouching there inside the teepee. I tried to reassure my cousin. She, however, was already convinced our lives were in imminent peril.”
At this point, conflicting accounts taken into consideration, the group approached the long, narrow cave and spied the shiny wet nose, the two googly eyes, and the big-ness of the “bear”. The bear, a.k.a. Opa, then emerged from the cave, roaring and growling.
“It was difficult getting out of the cave, and I had a wet bbb – but, I didn’t spill my coffee,” admitted OpaBear.
Running as her life depended on it, Miss Nomi asserts that she flew through the forest and the snowstorm, by-passed both the ooey-gooey mud and the dark, cold river, and regained the house. Miss Em, Mr. Mo, and the rest of the expedition followed, as did the bear. “I slammed the door in the bear’s face,” she told this reporter. “Wasn’t that the point? Oma wouldn’t let me shoot anything; what else would I do?”
All in all, neither tots nor fake bears were injured in the incident. Charges have not been filed against OmaOpa’s Preschool. Members Nomi, Em, and Mo say they will return next week for letter “C”, hoping for ccc-cupcakes rather than ccc-crocodiles.
Asked for comment, Oma would only answer —
You get a line and I’ll get a pole baby…we’ll go fishin’ in the crocodile hole…”